A simple life

I have always lived a simple life.
One where what I had was more than enough.
Growing up in The Bronx made that easy.
No  expectations of a grand life we just lived.
A simple life full of struggles and laughter.

How can one laugh at this sort of life you say?
Finding no quick way to change it made us crafty.
My Mother found ways to strech our meger resources.
My Father on the other hand Drank his all up.
His never ending pride is now eating him up in his old age.

The things l learned from that part of my life  are still in me.
Find a way to make the best out of the worst.
How to just be happy to have what you do.
Be grateful for what is given to you it may have some use.
Be smart ,be kind to others, share what you have.

This simple life of not having has made me.
Its made me into a caring person who ask nothing.
A person who cares about those who have less.
I put others ahead of me , I put those in need in my mind.
I never want to forget how I grew up.

Living in Ct. has been strange for me.
All this Keeping up with the trends is not for me.
Reeling in my kids from the little Clicks in school.
Wanting things that they didn't need.
No you can't have those shoes too expensive.

Having an Ex who needed a new car to be happy.
Things like this don't impress me at all .
Keeping up with the Jones is not me.
Now show me someone who makes life work.
A life that I recognize a life I respect a life I live.

I've had my want to throw in the towel days.
And I've had my great  great days.
I've had days  I want to bury my head and start over .
But I've gotten up and just kept going.
A simple life is what I do keeping it such is fine for me.

Love at a distance

I didn't get how two people could fall in love.
I mean via the Internet , texting, phone calls.
Now I can see , feel and almost taste the concept.
OK we do have a prior relationship of sorts.
I don't think either of us would disagree about that.

Not that it wasn't kismet because it was and is.

OK getting back on point here
Falling in love via technology sounds unreal.
I was very wrong on this one.
I have to laugh at myself I had become such a cynic.
And then WAM I was a goner ,a lifer, an adult teenager.

I feel very bad for others finding them selves here.
Its not for the faint of heart or the weak minded.
You have to trust your inner voice truthfully.
You have to trust your faith in what you know is real.
You have to trust the other person in this.

Words spoken, written , emojs even pictures sent
Emotions felt through an email or text how can it be.
The air even carries waves of connections that can be felt.
Sexual energy without being tuched yes this does  happen.
Thought I was losing it when it did now I just enjoy it.

Hearing each others voices can so intimate.
Not speaking back but drinking it in to savor it's richness.
Waiting for Xmas morning but the gift is already open.
Being stronger, walking taller  and at peace with life.
Knowing, feeling the bounty of this godsent offering.

I can say without any reservation that it can happen.
A few weeks even months ago I said to myself.
I just want someone to talk to someone.
Even if it was only online ok just a pal of sorts.
But the universe sent me something so much more.

So yes I know this now
LOVE has no boundaries
Distance isn't a curse  but a catalyst in this.
Weaving a net of occasions to be expressed in new ways.
Building a bond that is indeed real.

Here to Stay

One month ago today we started a miracle.
We opened ours eyes on that day not knowing.
Not knowing that a few written words just words
Would change our world forever.

A simple hello a thank you for being a bright spot in me.
Little did I know the wave of emotions this would bring.
Little did I know the strength I was to gain.
Simple words NO seems to be the case here.

Shock our systems wake up time to live again.
No more wallowing in self pity we are worth so much.
Not a one sided admission we are stronger  then we feel.
There is something to live for there are still sparks in ths life.

Re kindled romance NO  this is so much more.
A dialogue reopened  sentiments expressed.
A forbidden bond that shouldn't exist but does.
A bond that that survived the test of time.

A memory that helped us both  endure.
A place in our head that held us that held our smile.
There you are come ease my pain.
Keeping it safely tucked away for later use.

Simple words yet the world around us has changed.
We see, we listen , we understand nothing at all.
We are blessed , we are enlightened, we are reborn.
There is nothing simple in any of this at all.

For the rest of my life I am grateful to have you.
Every breath we take reminds us life can be good.
That the waves of love we send out do come back to us,
That we are in each other and are here to stay.

For you once again  you are my Muse ,you are my
Inspiration, you own my heart  and opened my
Mind forever  Maestro.

Ly I

Quiet Dawns

I don't sleep well no matter how hard I try.
I've actually given up on having a normals night of rest.
I've blamed it on hormones I've blamed it on shit.
The stuff in everyday life that stays in your head.
The things that a goods night sleep can't solve.

Most of the time it's just imagined scenarios in my head.
I laugh when people say you just have to sleep on it.
Don't they get it no sleep not exactly but very little.
I read somewhere that they are people who do ok without it.
I don't mean they don't sleep but  need very little.

I do get things done in the early hours of my days.
From cleaning up to finishing up what ever project I can.
I've come to  cherish those quiet hours before dawn.
I write in thease mornings ,I listen to my ever present music.
Coffiee , my tablet, my couch, my phone nearby.

The hours go slowly the night disappearing in slow rise.
I love looking out the window as dawns glow apears.
I hear the birds welcoming the new day in song.
The trees moving in the slight breeze.
Their rustling adding to the mornings concert.

Quiet time to calm my mind to soothe me.
Sleep is not missed in thease still hours.
Why do people think you can only rest when asleep.
I have found that tranquil place in my days here.
Sleep is not missed I rest with open  eyes in the quiet dawn.

Swim

I'm a self taught swimmer not the best but I get it done.
The Russian swim instructor at work tried to teach me and gave up.
Not that it was impossible but he saw it was my way or nothing.
So I took his tips and swim to my own beat now.

With flippers on my feet go nowhere without them in the water.
My silly swim cap on glasses safely  tucked away ,
The water isn't too cold it caresses me as I jump in my lane.
I dunk my head under to ease the shock of it nonetheless.

Then the magic takes me over laps to be counted in my head.
I try to be calm and let the pace come to me slowly at first.
The stroke of my arms the kick of my legs increase lap by lap.
The breaths I take going from slow to almost sharp inhaled qlups.

The serenity of the pool the sound of the water being pushed away.
The echo like feeling in the huge  cavernous room.
The feeling of bliss which I have likened to sex.
Like a lovers arms the liquid the surrounds me.

I wish I could swim more like other people.
The beauty in their form their perfect turns under the water.
The controlled movement's of bodies as they glide back and forth.
Then I remind my self that those people aren't me.

Another gift I feel I gave to me just me.
Swimming my filler of empty time wished spent elsewhere.
But having fallen under its hypnotic spell I relish it now.
Yes it calls to me that water that pool of freshness.

It says to me come and be free in its embrace.
So I swim , breathe. Stroke , savor each second.
I come away calm , clearer mind, heart racing.
Ready for what the day brings till next time.

Wine

I am not an avid wine drinker by a long shot.
I enjoy the weekend bottle of wine at the most.
Whatever is cheap a gift from a friend don't matter.
Just drank for buzz of it at first but then it became a search.

The hunt for that wine that taste like ambrosia.
The nectar of the gods the bottle you wish would never end.
A flavor so rich and full on your tounge that it coats it.
Lots to try when you know almost nothing about it.

What i do know is having found my perfect bottle I wanted more.
I went back as soon as I could 2 bottles home put away.
The problem it's call to my taste buds the rich honey of it.
My stock pile down to 0 I  went back and there was no more.

So now I think I understand why we keep drinking it.
We are searching for our own individual ambrosia
So the flavors may be good to some and not others.
The perfect blend for everyone is different.

I rather enjoy the search feels like I can dysect the wine.
I can taste the sweetness the tartness the heaviness of it.
I can taste the fruits and the richness of the grapes.
The smell also tells of its nature it's soil.

No I am no expert at all no  sommelier of fine wine.
Let me keep searching for that elusive bottle.
The one who will fill me with a mouthful of pleasure.
And a victory dance at having found it again.

Conversations

7/25/18

Conversations are few it's a hard thing.
Long drawn out talks filled with words of love.
Talks about a future that holds no real plan.
That is  our reality that is our pain.

Cramping so much into stolen phone calls .
So much to say that cannot be written.
My ears drinking in every word every deep breath taken.
Hearing the loss he feels in his voice.

Its not just me that time has  screwed I know this now.
Did he know all thease years what I didn't comprehend.
Did he have to suffer all that time did he feel my loss.
Knowing that he did makes me weep.

Love what a gift time passed and still the love was there.
I think he knew from our first phone call.
I think he knew when he held the letter in his hand.
Something I hadn't let me know just yet.

So he just wated to see if I relized it and then I did .
He let me find that place in me that knew.
He let me remember all on my own.
He let me belive it is all true he knew it.

This is not because of memories this is now.
We are studying each other in a way.
Learning who we are now and discovering what we believe.
Seems so much in common that's a good thing.

Learning this or that litte fact that fits into the puzzle.
Knowing things in unspoken connections.
Mourning time passed relishing time to come.
Knowing that today that love grows that it's not done.

We will take it we will find a way.
This journey is not just begun the break is over.
Yeah time screwed us but it also brang us back together.
To see to feel the love that was there all along.

Some Days

I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much.
I see people all day long and am seen in return.
It's getting to be a bit of a juggle keeping myself in check.
Keep a straight face, keep my composure ,keep my cool.

Anyone that really knows me knows I'm easy frazzled.
The things that affect me hit me hard be it good or bad.
This is not a curse but yet another gift .
A gift in the sense it makes me feel more human.

Its a hard job pretending to have my wits about me.
Some days I'm lucky I get lost in my work.
Some days I can hardly contain a smile.
Some days just glow with the promise I'll get by.

My emotions rule me that isn't bad is it.
They lived behind a shell I  built to protect them.
There out now and raw in my face raw.
So I put up this public  persona to face the world.

It works most of the time a least I hope it does.
The feeling I get from this is lacking.
Like an alter ego pretending to be me.
A person I play so well lines all memorized.

This ability is slowly creeping away from me.
At an even faster pace than I can handle.
I won't read those line any more I can't.
I have to be me.

Loose Woman

7/18/18

My daughter just called me a Loose Woman to put it mildly.
She said this with that elfish grin of hers on her face.
Was that a little envy I saw in her eyes?
What can I say I grew up in another era.

Maybe not as free as the 60's but free enough.
Hey I'm at that point in life you know which one.
The one you do not give a F**k what anyone thinks.
Reality can be shocking but...then again so what.

I grew up in a semi hippie fashion in NYC for God's sake.
The 70s were a blast and I lived it boy did I live it.
Too much info given no this was me no shame in that.
I wasn't wild but got myself into things one doesn't expect.

Do I regret any of it no ,would I change it no.
I can now look back and shake my head in wonder.
We all have those stories to tell the ones that are real.
Those nastaliga filled funny, unbelievable ones that are true.

I looked at her with a huge smile on my face.
Then it suddenly dawned  on me she is so like me.
My hidden rebel cloned my mask revealed.
She never hid who she is she's  my spitfire.

Maybe I've over shared a little too much with her.
But I think she understands deep inside I'm nuts.
Yes she sees me in a different I think freer light.
But to call your Blessed Mother a Loose Woman WELL...

Hey Jack you got this love you The Loose Woman

Fear

Losing control is not an option for me right now.
I'm on a journey no one understands not even me.
Pent up frustration am I making it all up in my head.
Can I get out of it enough to breathe.

I hear this is not a cake walk to go through.
I feel every thing so vividly I analyze it all.
Stop head you are making me insane.
Again I have to remember to breathe.

Desire turned into reality.
Dreams are real or are they just nightmares.
Nightmares in disguise to play with my mind.
Just breathe I remind myself again.

Today I will once again try to control it.
How can one handle a wild fire with just a drop of water.
How  can one use all their energy to stay grounded.
Breathe deeply again and again.

Whatever the road leads to is worth it all.
The ludicrous thoughts the second guesses.
The adventure is thrilling the landing will come
Just keep those breaths deep and trust just trust.

Glennon Doyle Melton once said
If you can't beat fear, just do it scared.
OK I am doing it scared.
My fear won't win ever again.

Weary

So so much to feel I am over done.
Overdone in  the sense that I am growing a bit weary.
Not that I haven't welcomed feeling again.
But all at once the floodgates have been opened wide.

One should never complain for its  feelings that make us human.
Being someone who I ganrentee has felt them all.
From delight to dispair , from joy to pure grief , from confusion to wonder.
But I never imagined I would feel so lost again.

I'm lost but found in the same breath at one time.
Re discovering, reliving , renewing , relishing it all.
Feeling past pain letting it go feeling, old joys keeping them close.
Living the undeniable wonder that is in front of me.

I may be over done but I am also renewed  with strength.
Strength I alway knew was in me a strength in my faith of good and God.
The universe knows what it has done.
So I carry this all in me and keep my feet on the ground.

So let me be weary I will find my rest.
Let it be known this is as it should be.
For this weary heart finds the heavens a blessing.
For this weary heart has been asleep for too long.

My Maria

Since the day I was born I've had an angel right beside me.
She shared all my years of laughter and tears.
She is my sister she is not just this but so much more.
She is my rock, my partner in crime, she is my person.

I wonder how many of us have a sibling who we revere.
One who we love, cherish , adore , admire.
One who's stregenth in character and support never wavers.
One who never gives up on you no matter what.

I can only recall  one time we were upset at each other.
I am embarrassed to say it was anothers opinion that caused this.
The episode left a hole in our closeness for a while.
But our bond won over and forgiveness came with no queqstions.

She has been with me through good , bad,hard,  easy,up , down.
She has yelled at me in her soft strong way.
Her eyes showing her disapproval and her heart understanding.
Come on Our mother didn't rase weak women you got this.

I feel like there is nothing I can give in return.
My children and grand children in turn are blessed by her.
Titi Maria is an name spoken in our home often.
Her ear always a phone call away ,weekend visits like clockwork.

I would give her the world but I can't.
I can only give her my undying admiration.
I can only give her my Neverending friendship and love.
God has created a bond that has no strings holding us.

She is My Maria

Sparks

I want lots of sparks in my life.
Not the kind of sparks you may think though.
The sparks I'm talking about are  different.

Give me a banter that feels like a race with no winner needed.
Debate with me let's see what we can learn.
Come on dare me to just do it I'll take it on.
No obstacles throw it all at me I can take it.

Let's spar together and be a force to reckoned with.
Let me get you thinking deeply  trying to figure it out.
Challenge that statement I made in anger.
Take my words and come back at me with you own.

Let's Challenge each other in unwinable debates.
Opinions to be shared and understood.
Differences looked at with open minds.
No I disagree no look at it this way try.

Laugh at my words so unpredictable WTF.
I hear what you are saying  but...
Nothing off the table
No taboos no walls no need for lies

Sparks come flying at me and back to you.
A flame in the woods throws off sparks too.
Light a fire and just wait.

Love songs

Music has played a huge part of my life.
It has set my mind  to what if and if only for a long time.
This may or may not be a good thing .
But boy do I love me a good love song.

The stories of a discovery of love new and old.
The lament of the broken heartened souls.
Even the revenge songs of fake love given exposed.
But alas they never really fit who I was with.

You want to feel the songs you pick are about your mate.
You look to see a glimpse of that perfect song in your life.
All you ever really felt was the longing for the melody instead.
You want to sway to the rhythm  that is in lyrics that tell.
But I know they were all dreams in the sky.

The problem was  the guy wasn't the one.
The songs were perfect depicting how I felt.
So when a man understands you and respects you.
And you can give this back with no omissions at all.
When you have trust in each other beyond beyond.

That's where  your songs find their home in honesty.
Honesty from your heart as well as soul.

What I would give, what I have given.
What I have lost ,what I have found.
Its all in the words the lyrics and music.
That know more than I can tell.

Magic spells

My son texted my and told me he's going for his masters in teaching.
I have known this for a while now.
But he asked my blessings in this anyway.
He asked me to cast one of my good spells for him.
I was taken aback a little by this.

Now you may think I'm a wiccan of some sort.
I'm not but he sees  the utter dertermation I have in me.
He sees my pain , my joy and my unrelenting belief in hope.
He knows I have been too vulnerable too often. 
He calls me on it when I am veering from myself.

He is a man one stronger than even he knows.
He has had  more than his fair share of pain in his life.
But he persevered  and grows from his experiences.
He is a man of great passion and opinions.
Formed from a much too gentile heart.

I am so very proud of this man my son.
I can only see great things ahead him in life.
That is all any mother should wish for her child.
I can only wish him great love.
Not just love for another but love and passion for life.

So I cast my spell for his future I send out my enegry.
I send out luck , faith ,warmth and stregenth for him.
I know he really doesn't need this from me but
He asked this of me anyway.

For Justin you know but may never truly know
How much you are loved.

ER

I have spent more than my share of life in emergency rooms.
Since I was 21 they have played a huge part of my life.
I have learned that the chair by the bed isn't the place to sit.
Nurses and Dr's comming and going blood being drawn.

Blood sugars checked information given and taken in.
So familiar the questions asked and answers given.
Learned how to nap on a  hard chair while waiting.
Learned to carry a tea bag there always hot water somewhere.

A scraped knee never seemed to be the case in our visits.
Always fear that is eased by an I V bag.
At least blood sugars  won't bottom out I can breathe at this.
Scared girls who didn't deserve this.

Most of my life there has been insulin in the fridge.
Blood sugars checkeked almost around the clock.
Screams when they went too low.
The rush trying to get them up again.

The trip to the hospital holding on tightly.
The relief of help so quickly given.
Thank god for this place .
All too familiar all too much a part of our lives.

I have learned to be at ease here.
Things I don't want to hear hit me here.
But I can dance this dance with my eyes closed.
Its part of what's made us strong.

What now

Can't stop saying Wow he does exist you know who.
The much searched for man of one's dreams.
The ones who's face had you at first glance.
The one who we all wish for on that star.

The Guy who's rich voice sends you there all by itself.
The Guy who is so honorable and loving it makes one swoon.
The guy who sends you at least poem every day.
The one I trust with my life.

He listens to every crazy thing I say.
I can feel him laughing at my emails.
Spell check has become my enemy.
So many misspelled sentiments.

I am taken at his pure compassion and love.
His stregenth the things he thank god is living with.
The tender person who's own secrets are yet to be told.
The person I can't bare to lose ever again.

His voice has lulled me into stories of his life.
My ears eager to hear it all memories I missed.
He almost died my heart fell he almost died.
For the rest of my life I will thank the universe he didnt.

This has made me able to see hope somewhere.
That the past is telling me let go.
That  yes that pain can leave my home.
So wash away struggles the water is clear

I wrote down some of what troubles me .
Rolled it in a ball and threw it in the pond at work.
I cried out be gone, be gone, be gone as it sank it the murky water
And then I sat down and wondered what now.

Written words

Written words ideas inspiration a purging of the mind.
A surrender to the hidden enlightened force inside.
A yeld to free the pulses in my mind.

Through fingers flowing ideas unknown.
Bursting to life to be read.
Gasping for air like a newborn.

A voice obsolved of any regrets.
Tell what you must, paint  what you cannot.
Let the colors for  this masterpiece be my words.

Let the hues be like sun set ever changing with no rules.
Be saved on paper imortalized for the  eye.
To be drawn  thoughts expressed.

This painting bleeds my words.
And warms the my heart with hope.
Written words will save me once again.

Lies

I married   for a dream I had for so long
A man who loved so deeply it was un measurable.
But what he truly loved was himself.
I hadn't been totally blind to this but the ring was put on my finger it was done.

I tried to bulid on that dream in the songs I loved so well.
Songs of never ending love and hope for a family so perfect.
I learned that they were only wishes in the wind.
That float away to the sky never to be seen again.

We came from different world's it was hard.
It will be OK I thought  I must ty harder it's  my fault.
Then came the battles the dishes flung across the room.
The slap across the face the hair pulled the bruises hidden.

Look at me I am your king he didn't say those words but they were implied.
His word was the rule his anger his knife so sharp were its edges.
He would turn to me at night with empty selfish sex I mistook for love.
This was his wepon it  was his right I was his wife he owned me.

Two more children came into ths nightmare little souls that made it  bareable.
Little smiles to warm my frozen fear little hearts that didn't deserve all this.
I could run where would we go how can we survive without him.
What I didn't know was we wernt survivingvig at all.

I left with them only to be fooled into thinking we were safe.
But the heart can be fooled into thinking things can change.
That he was suffering without his family so back we went
Mistakes from all sides I owned mine that was my biggest one.

He played my songs so well I was pulled under the spell once again.
This isn't empty I told my self when the feeling overtook me.
I tried to  endure   but his selfish demands were sucking faith out of me.
He was like a hungry dog barring it's teeth to keep his bone from being stolen.

He was happy he was sad he was depressd.
He needed to be the god  worship me I am the king.
And when I needed to speak he muzzled me like a dog.
Its always about you he said dont speak yeld to me.

I grew stronger I stopped relying on him.
I started to want my own I made my own demands.
He saw this and it frightened  him his power was dying.
He played his game I need my own space he said out of the blue.

Don't worry I will come back and forth  it won't change anything.
Just go away I prayed is this my Amen being answerd.
So boxes packed once again angry voices angry bruises once again.
But the end was near I was to be saved.

One more night he turned to me and I  gave in.
Thinking it was to be a tender goodbye again I was wrong.
I was abused in a way that I can only say  was rape.
I was so ashamed at  this I  reeled at its aftermath.

Had he won finally with this disgusting act upon me.
I could never have believed it could happen to me once again.
I had Been raped before no one ever knew I never told .
But that was what I felt that night my soul forever tainted.

Move made months of being an empty shell.
So dry was my soul no tears would fall from my eyes.
But I was free now and I was safe in my own hell.
Those dreams all packed away in a box labeled Lies.

l

Much too long

Every thing is not about me.
There are unknown people who also love him.
This is not who I am but how can I not do this.
I've never under stood how any woman could dare do this.

I am in love with anothers husband oh shit.
I feel like I have a right to him I saw him 1st.
But that's not fair and I know it it's childish.
I know she does exist he told me.

Nameless  wife forgive me I know what I am doing.
I'm being selfish and fencing with my souls mate.
I know so much better than this but alas I yearn for him.
Does living through litiral hell not once but twice excuse this?

Since I was too young to know why I have wanted him.
I haven't physically seen him in the flesh in so long.
Yet my body is slowly craving him more and more how?
There are no answers in this storm that is sitting on our heads.

Does he even understand how much his words touch and scare me.
Does he even understand how frightening this is.
That ths is more bitter than sweet and I can't be hurt by him.
And that I wouldn't change a thing not one thing.

I just hope the Universe is right on this.
That we cannot stop this.
Hearts are broken and need to be healed.
Time has denied  this for much too long.