The Best Imperfect Summer

I've have had the best imperfect summer of my entire life.
Days that put both smiles and some frowns on my face
A summer full of friends new and old just feeling life around.
Enjoying feeling alive again after far to long of not.
Letting go of to not put it mildly of lots of crap.

Wow so many  changes incredible who knew it would happen.
My friend at work looks at me and says where is she.
Where did this person come from never seen you like this.
Allowing myself to be me  this has awakened my zest for life.
I totally recommend it wish I could pass this on I'm trying.

I've had my share of ups and downs alike I do admit.
But I've seen only the bad not all the good the blessings.
Be happy and let go of the shit I mean let go all the way.
Promise your self you are ok no matter what  happens.
Acknowledge your fears express your  true feelings .

Tell that person who hurt you exactly what they did to you.
The telling could be hard but let it out say the words .
Throw the regrets away you don't need them.
Forgive them even if they refuse to own up to it.
I know what he did it's over wash your self self clean.

Life as I knew it is gone now.
Life as I can see it as I allow my self to live it is now.
Being complete being loved being just who I am inside.
Learning that not caring what anyone thinks is ok.
Opinions matter only if they are correct look at yourself.

Someone quite unexpected has helped in all this.
Its ok to take giving back comes along with all this.
BUT how can I ever feel it's enough given back.
This intellgent, warm, funny serious,giving person
did this without knowing.

I did a gutsy thing that brought him back to my life.
And he just knew me he knows me like no one else.
Made me happier and helped me see I had been happy.
I opened myself to this and WaLa here I am.
I've had the best imperfect summer of my entire life.

RED

RED has been an almost constant presence in my life.
The color speaks to me gives me courage makes me feel strong.
Its shades almost ever present in what is around me.
How can such a bold color calm and soothe me so much.
I can't say but always has.

Where ever I go in my house I can spy a hint of it somewhere.
A little vase , a lumpy throw pillow the small round rug.
Little tidbits of the color all around all the time.
Mismatched  pieces of furniture painted brick red.
Putting together my room.

More red than I have ever allowed  came to live here.
Throw in even more and Bang the Red Room.
I've had to throw in some yellows, oranges and greens.
It can be  little too much but it's mine as I like it.
My basket of bears smiling at the result.

My sister knowing my passion for the color.
Threw in  chairs a  coffiee table and a spread for the bed.
All in that bold hue once again enough I tnink.
So powerful so peaceful I feel here in this room.
With bold colors mixing in with it all.

The color is worn by me every day like some  talisman.
My good luck,help me feel strong, liftme up go to ritual.
I try not to over wear it but it has so many shades I love.
My favorite pair of earings  a simple hanging ruby red bead.
Lookng like they came from another era.

Not by choice but my favorite bird is the Cardinal.
I have gotten to know their song and can find one easily.
Been lucky to have them around where I live.
Their red feathers a sight to be seen against a blue sky.
Even resting they are regal.

Red so strong a hue so rich it's flavors it's life.
You bring me passion you give me stregenth.
Blood is red maybe it's reminding me to live.
Guiding me when I need that little push .
Always around me reminding .

Smart

Lately I have been feeling smarter I have been justified.
I don't mean to say I thought I was stupid just not intellegent.
People have never said that to me your smart.
They have said I am kind ,caring, maybe even funny.
But not smart in the things I share kind of way.

Being a simple woman I basicly had no passion for life.
Becomming the cliche of the bored woman was easy.
It didn't take up much of my energy not that I had any.
Thinking of any thing over much gave me headaches.
Thinking would mean living not hovering taking action.

Funny how the things we are avoiding are what gets us going.
Motivation got me going on a quest of sorts to Fix me.
Why becouse I felt broken glued together by boredom.
My own falt lazy to be brave scared to just Be me.
Then I did 1 brave thing just 1.

What happened after that I did 1 more thing that scared me.
Now it seems like every day I am doing something .
Get up with ideas write them down let my mind work.
Play with the words that are helping me be bold in life.
The ones which hare making me smarter by knowing I am.

Looking up refrences made in conversations not understood.
Having those aha momets after studying their content.
And getting to the implied sentiments that were sent .
Making my brain search and form my own obersavitons.
Letting them stew seeking answers and finding meaning.

Inspiration , desire, hunger, thoughts , opinions wishes.
All mine to express and feed my mind awake to knowledge.
Finding an intellectual side of me I like, not a  teacher.
But a student who is taking in his favorite lecture again.
Then getting an A++ each time the answer given.

Smile give of yourself by happy be confidant matter to yourself.
Give truth share your words unhinged as they be.
Passion spoken of many things respect our minds.
Learning is what makes us smart not knowing it all.
One can never know it all there's too much to learn.

Dreams

Today seems like it's going to be a good day.
Things are becoming crystal clear before my eyes.
Fighting with myself for nothing will not happen today No.
I have Dreams and it's ok that life isn't following their scripts.
The real world changes them thats what living is unpredictable.

Many dreams I have had in life funny some have come true.
When I was a kid we would travel from the Bronx on school trips.
The bus would head away from all the grime and grit of the city.
We would travel to places like Sleepy Hollow or Avon in Ct.
The air was so pristine , small houses , open sky beauty all around.

I fell in love with this over and over again it was all a wonderland to me.
Someday I would wish I'm going to live someplace like this
I had no clue how but this was one of my dreams get out of the city.
Maybe I belived that being in such surroundings would make my life better.
Seeing what a dull existence my  world had to offer I lived in my dreams.

Other simular dreams also formed what life should be for me.
Always for happiness and the perfect  life borrowing who I wanted to be.
Life doesn't allow for our version of hopes it gives us what it wants to.
Yes you can work your ass off trying but it's all a toss of the dice.
Come on snake eyes come on number eight shake em blow em toss them .

You get whatever you get sometimes you get that gold if you are lucky.
New dreams are  there for me now ones that scare me as well as excite me.
Possibilities still full of can this really be ,can I do this , yes it can be done.
Inspiration a notion so new to me support also new WoW a word I use often now.
Humbled in a way that brings out the best in me the hidden fire in me.

I get lost I falter one step front one step back at least I am moving.
Thinking can I make this  new dream real I would love this I just have to try.
You may think you know what it is but your wrong self growth is what it is.
Dare to live it ,put work in ,it dive in ,I can do it I know I can .
So watch out world Dreams can be made real even new ones.

My Dream of love, my perfect life, didn't turnout as scripted in my head.
Words have taken over my un answered ones letting them have their say.
On page or screen they live they died and have risen like smoke into the air.
Expressing Hope, fear, regret,  love and so much more waiting for a turn.
Letting them all have their say is my Dream being  lived  at last.

You can rewrite your Dreams you can see beyond the horizon.
Look at the visions in a whole new way see the blessings .
Let life wake and be as beautiful as a soul would wish.
Love the world again it has given you itself.

Amazing Grace

This is my favorite hym it tells about being lost and found.
I'm tired as many of us are with the heavy load we all carry.
The lives we lead of busy,  of silence just to survive it.
Can we speak our minds in truth can we find ourselves.
It is important that we do so we can find our personal grace.

Feeling lost for most of this life is what makes us wonder.
Some of us never dare to seek look for our salvation.
Look for the happiness that is out there to be had.
Oh its a quest full of windmills  disguised as dragons.
Imagine the lunacy the satirical hunt for that impossible dream.

Must we keep both feet on the ground at all times to steady us.
Could that ground not bend and meet our steps like sand.
Meeting each step we take with a gentile give .
Not letting us fall on our trek through this life we live.
Giving way to roads to be explored till the day we die.

Grace is what saves us from the disappointed souls we keep.
Afraid to be our selves playing at living not seeing the possibility.
Its there it's frightening just before your eyes to see.
Blind to the world hinting but not giving freely of its light.
One must grasp it quickly before it runs never to be held.

Hold it to yourself and never let it go again.
No matter the finial cost the final blow that will not kill.
Fear has flown away and nothing is as it seemed to be .
Sing that hallelujah praise the Lord and his angels in full voice.
This melody is music to happiness in truth it will be sung.

Voices lending their cries to victory of meaning to ourselves.
Not to sleep in darkness but see the light beyond.
To gaze upon sweet admissions of life of truth of love.
Belive that this can happen it will free the dark.
And let the light I call grace bring  peace to the heart.

So Now you Know

I am not trying to push you away I need you.
I can only pray that you find something in me.
Something that fills a hole an ache in you.
I want to give back to you what you bring to me.
As if that were even possible.

What I wish for you is the same heartache as you give me.
The way that feels like every breath I take is yours.
That every beat of my heart knows your rythum
That every ounce of my blood pumps to your beat.
To keep me here just for you.

Foolish foolish me how this fool loves life.
How I love romance how I know it by heart.
How I feel it in me for real no lie no regrets.
Tounge not to be silenced ever again.
For not to sing it out would be my only crime.

So now I hope you know what you have done to us.
You have restored an impossible dream to flesh and bones.
I can say my hearts desire with no fear my words are true.
True as an arrow finds its target so very far away.
And cuts into its flesh leaving it self impaled.

I am not embarrassed to declare my soul is yours.
For I hold within myself the soul your eyes have shown.
I have felt it's lost reflection recognize my own.
Home is what they saw and that is where they rest.
Disbelieving what this is sitting still in silent reflection.

My lunacy amuses you but it's driving me insane.
My fear fighting with myself for all this openness.
My words have taken on a life of their own.
Your blessing given to them only permit them to be born.
Their cries are heard and fed by my tears that freely fall.

I will falter again and again I know.
I may drive you mad... I feel you... don't forget.
BABIES BREATH  -11:11.  4455 -1108 OPEN MINDED.
This is what we are I need not say this again.
So now you know it all every last bit.

But most of all I love you with every thing I am.
And there is never ever going to be Goodbye again
To loosely borrow from a  movie quote.
YOU HAD ME At  HELLO  HELLO .

J . TQM  Your  Goddess
Namaste

HONESTLY

I have been so honest with my family about all this.
From the momet I knew in my heart what I felt.
Sat them down 1 by 1 and told them who you are to me.
How does one tell a story to ones Kids about the one.
The one stuck in my head hidden away for so long.

I just let it out said it out loud this is my person.
Told our story told of the feelings that were there still.
Was looked at in utter confusion no what is this about.
SHE'S LOST IT FOR REAL THIS TIME.
I AM a woman of great passion no half thoughts for me.

So the momet I felt oh shit this is bigger than I thought I told.
Why tell so soon be couse I knew I wasn't the same .
I was happy I was. Confused I was walking on air.
I wear my heart on my sleeve easy to see I was smiling like a fool.
This was not to hide no reason nothing shameful.

For the most part they think I am nuts crazy crackers.
Then they see my passion my smile my zest for living.
They see the hop in my step they see my sadness they see my hope.
Yes there's a bit of every emotion in this and Mom is feeling them all.
Be careful Mom don't let yourself get lost in this.

Today I feel it's a litte too late Mom is lost in this all already.
Seeing you face to face feeling it in the same room the fire.
Put me on my knees thanking everyone and everything out there.
Tearing my heart apart with a blissful ache never felt before.
Am I obsessed am I driving you nuts or away with this.

Today is a day I cried becouse of it tears streaming down my cheeks.
I am not a child I am  not some horny teen this is not about sex.
This is about feeling, caring,no control of it no choice at all.
Today is the day I would take it back if I could in so much pain.
But what consoles me is the love I feel itself so Ill keep it.

I don't want to beg let me know say the words tell me.
I know what I want will not change anything my gut can't lie.
Mabe if you really open up to me I will be satisfied.
I know you don't owe me anything at all nothing.
Thank you for comming to see me it didn't give me all my answers.

Seeing you made me want to see you every day.
If things were different I would marry you today.
Wouldn't even wait for you to ask me I would marry you.
This is something I thought I would never want again.
Even if we never married I would be happiest in my life.

I will apologize up front to you for my crazy once again.
Don't give up on me don't  let me push you away
Its time to live a whole life now no more half for us
Hey it is all all worth it the smile I hold is ours.
So I will continue to look foward now keep it real.

Just  let me wallow in my dark side a bit.
No one of us is perfect don't look for that in me.
The flaws that have directed me haven't left yet.
Nor do I want them to all go away they steer me.
To what my crazy can handle in life.

This is part of who I am this is me.

Leap of faith

I keep sharing this with people of late just do it.
Who am I to think I can give anyone advice.
A person who's life has and still is such a mess.
Who am I to try to share my hope that it all works out.
I'm a dreamer a believer in fate in destiny in hope.

The past few weeks I have been reborn in a sense.
I have turned my life over to pure hope and love.
I have not denied my inner self the one that was hidden.
I have dared to just do it once and for all just for me.
Things that have brought me down wished gone.

Put a smile on your face find your joy answer to no one.
If it makes your soul sing keep it in your life it matters.
Pull up you big girl panties and get out of that bed.
Make your happy real it's out there I promise I know.
Let that shit go you can do it at least I hope I can.

Find the person, place or thing that inspires you.
Don't fear tears they help wash away the sad.
Don't fear smiling it helps keep the good the happy.
Do what you need to get by till its no longer getting by.
Trust your inner voice it is always right no lies.

Don't let any one question your path it is not theirs.
Jump in with eyes wide open do what you need.
Feel everything and learn from it good or bad.
The lesson learned will show you the way.
The Way to live your life your way.

There may be wrongs and rights that's life.
There are no rules you must follow but your own.
Who makes rules up any way the ones who never live.
The ones who would never the ones who are sad inside.
Saving face is a lie who are you trying to impress.

I believe in me I know what I need if not what I want.
I know and need to let people see that there is a way.
It isn't easy but we'll worth it take that chance don't be afraid.
Not taking the chance is the mistake don't be afraid.
No one knows unless they take that leap of faith.

I cannot say all will be answered your way.
Try try try and never give up you will feel alive.
Take  charge of you no one owns you but yourself.
Screw any naysayers they are afraid to be real.
You are what matters most love yourself first.

Reunion 08/14/2018

I was just getting ready for bed thinking should I text him.
Trying not to be too clingy to obsessed as I had been feeling.
I knew we were ok so if no goodnight didn't matter much.
This relationship with no name this love affair was still alive.
After a weekend of self doubt and  wrecked nerves.
I felt quite calm about things between us it was ok.

Texting sweet good night has become a ritual.
Tonight I thought if he does I will too.
When I heard my phone beep I thought good it's him.
Checked my text no ,an email open the said email.
Was confused a picure of the sign outside my townhouse.
I looked at it confused WTF and then my heart started racing.

Couldn't find my phone fast enough couldn't find his icon.
With fingers that had lost their feeling I taped it.
Ring ring ring he answered Hello his usual greeting,.
I almost couldn't speak WHERE ARE YOU I  asked in disbelif.
I'M parked outside he said...
I said dont move and scrambled into my clothes.

Couldn't find two matching shoes had my shirt on inside out.
Finally all dressed I scrambled down through my son's room.
My son looked at me in disbelif  J is here was all I said.
I manged to get outside and couldn't spot him so I called him.
He answered again I could hear the smile in his voice.
I finally spotted him walking towards me I was dazed.

As he got closer I could make out the outline his face.
A face I hadn't seen in 40 years eyes I hadn't gazed at.
Face to face finally we embraced a hug so tender yet hard.
Pulling away after what seemed like hours we looked at each other.
Smiles so big on our faces they lit up the night sky  like  fireworks .
Another endless hug kisses  wherever they landed bliss.

I took his hand and said this house is a mess so sorry.
He replied I didn't come to see your house you know.
Introduced him to my son and dragged him up to my room.
Stood face to face and looked deeply into his eyes I saw home.
His wonderful smile his  sweet sweet lips on mine OMG.
We stood there kissing like teenagers for what seemed like forever.

This was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me.
Finally sitting on the sofa we looked at each other in awe.
I couldnt let him go so I pulled in for yet another hug.
I kissed his forhead and rested mine on it for the contact alone.
I can't really recall what was said I only knew YES in my head YES
Our lips finding each others again this time not rushing.

The reunion 40 years in the making finally fulfilled.
I was right love love love I can breathe now I told him.
His smile so big it made me love him all the more.
Not too much time we spoke of nothing,everything .
This miriacle started by a glance and revived by a letter.
This miriacle I can finally believe is real.

I asked him what he did with the letter but I already knew.
I told him I have the original it's your I'll keep it for you.
He smiled at that and kissed me again.

Carnal Knowledge

Sex is a subject that isn't spoken about everyday.
None of the women I have know have ever talked about it.
I myself don't talk about it even though it's may be on my mind.
Why is not a mystery to me Sex is personal a secret.
Such a taboo subject in polite society still in 2018 amazing.

Yes but everyone I hope does it at some point in their lives.
Hopefully with great tenderness and love.
Hopefully at some point with great passion.
A decadent, wanton, carnal fact of humanity.
One we all crave to be mind blowing in secret.

I have had more than my share of lovers in my life.
One who even used me as his skirt while living a Gay life.
Not a great thing for a young girl to live with I will say.
That was one for the books of WTF happened here.
But it did happen and I learned from it.

My most tender sensual memory came from that time.
Too young to understand that  it would soothe me for life.
How is still a wonder to me the why has been answered.
A gaze between eyes  across a room started it all.
Looking at one another and thinking OMG.

This is why we exist my whole body seemed to say.
Two people who fate was to play a hand in for many years.
The most real if not tender time that to this day I still relish.
The ghost of the act  floating in my heart for decades.
A welcome haunting in the  times that came to be my life.

My secret not to tell even to my closest  confidant.
Why cause we were both taken already yet...
It wasn't wild it was romantic  farytale like tender to the bone.
Feel it in your heart forever feel it in your being feel it in you soul.
Branded in me for all time it still lingers in my mind it's sweet tase.

I can only wish such a feeling to everyone at some point in life.
We tend to forget so many events after they happen no after thought.
We make little of our sensual selves once it is over.
We may think and feel it's pleasure for a few hours afterwards.
Lucky to be able to have  enjoyed  such a blissful thing.

Sex is so much more than the expression of lust.
Yes it is not to be spoken of its private between two.
Something to be held in our relationships in quiet joy.
Shared embraces of souls dancing to their own song.
Details not to be spoken kept in silent smiles.

Comfort

Today was a horrible day for me I let things get to me.
There are emotions I need to let out, need to be aired.
Stuck on just shut up for so long.
Feeling I really didn't matter at all.
Running scared from what brings my joy.

I let it all get me on defensive mode for no real reason.
Yes I don't know anything but I also know so much.
Contradictions that drive me insane.
Seeking comformation again and again. 
Stumbling while standing still.

And then come something new.
Comfort calling the person and being heard.
My crazy self not shot down but reassured.
My worth respected and cherished.
My heart unbroken with a heartfelt kinship.

Saying everything as it is and knowing your heard.
Things like this are a gift that is given both ways.
Feed my hunger with wise words and understanding.
Tell me I matter to you and know it's what I feel back.
Undefined is what this is no title fits this dance.

Home in that fore mentioned voice so mellow.
Soothing my frantic undone self I'd let me become.
Voicing the grateful embrace of our mutual respect.
No problem what we're you thinking again.
Its ok it's ok we are fine we are fine.

It has a name now my Comfort.
Its called you Babe.

Puerto Rican

I've always said my parents are Puerto Rican
I have stated I was born in the Bronx not the island.
I have never been there so it's hard to say I'm from there.
Newyorican is a phase I have often used to describe myself.
But this feels like I turned my back on my heritage.

I was just on pintrest looking up spanish quotes.
I found so many PuertoRican ones it felt like home.
I had forgotten how rich this culture is such a strong people.
From the food to the sayings to all the  customs so  me.
Spanish phrases that are so familiar that they sang to me.

Yes my children speak little to no spanish shame on me.
My Grandaughter is the only one who's picked up some.
She was taken care of by a nonenglish speaking sitter.
With her love of languages I hope she still knows some.
I regret letting life put this part of me on the back burner.

Sassy women careful don't cross a PuertoRican lady.
Don't you dare get us angry or catch you at lies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned  was written about us.
I had forgotten my sassy side for too long.
But this side of me has emerged so watch out world I'm back.

I long for a great conversation with another Pana is that the word.
A talk about almost anything would do in Spanish no less.
Someone who grew up like I did and share  laugh with.
Someone who also understands our shared culture.
And understand what  El Cuco or Arroz Con gandules are.

I miss many things about this part of me.
I'm going to acknowledge this I am PuertoRican.
This is my  Culture this is my blood this is my heritage.
Next time I am asked I know what I will answer.
I Am Borinquena I'M PuertoRican and I will say this with great pride.

learning to Live

There's something to say about a shock  to the system.
You think at my age you've seen them all
Seeing life through new eyes seeing blessings all around.
Feeling love that doesn't have to be defined.
Its love it's knowing that you are loved with no agenda.
Its putting a thought in someone's head that the love is enough.

Learning to live wearing rose colored glasses.
Yes it's ok one can do this and be as crazy as one feels .
This is living this is what we all crave this is what matters.
Giving of yourself and receiving so so much more.
Knowing that there is no end no beginning just be that's all
Not asking but receiving joy and hopefully giving it back.

Seeing that what you feel about life is not crazy.
That what is important to you is right that it does matter.
That there are like minded people out there
That my heart knew there was someone out there.
Someone I needed to help me see it all.
And I pray he knows the difference he has made.

Thoughts

Why do I have to make my life so complacated.
I am really trying to get a grip on all this LIFE.
Yes I am happy Yes I am happier  and Yes I love.
And yes it's all so  mixed up in my mind.
Thinking is hard.

Knowing, sensing or intuitive I forget the word you use.
Is a big big part of me more than I suspected.
Had an idea but the suprise is how strong it is.
You made me look at this deeper than I ever have.
Thank You

I have to label things in my life this is not good.
I have to wish things into existence.
I have to conjure my hopes in my head.
Plant a seed and hope my black thumb doesn't kill it.
But I am strong

Opening ones eyes into ones self is not easy.
Its a process of learning to love who we are.
Flaws don't exist they are our scars our badges .
Thoughts not wanted  get lost in our brains.
Seeking an unwanted  audience with us.
Facts to be faced.

This is just too surreal so much comming at us.
The universe seems to be watching us.
Can we figure this out is there an answer.
If not does the question really matter.
Is the gift the love or the pain of understanding.
No the gift is the journey no matter how long it's been.
The capacity to say I care ,I love ,I don't understand.
The right to have feelings not totality identified.
The right to yearn to look into eyes for a glance of a soul.
Hoping to glimpse at words never expressed.
Laying out all the regret and letting it go.
Enjoy the Devine game that was started long ago.
Smile at the  moves that were made by the gods .
King ,queen pawn or bishop which peace are we.
Are we who we want to be is the role we play who we are.
Is there still more we must sacrifice.
Can our worlds find a common ground.
None of it to be resolved only to be reamiganed.
Knowing that this is playing out with no clarity.
Just move on day just move on night.
Sweet dreams sweet words sweet life.

Walking Cia

Walking my dog has been a learning experience.
Doing this is not an easy endeavor as would seem.
OK time to go out is a battle when it comes her.
A kind animal by nature she wouldn't hurt a fly.

Cia has been the sweetest of dogs all her life.
At 14 she has had to move with us at least 3 times.
Takes her a day or two to find her place her comfort zone.
But a place with no yard of her own confuses her.

The poor thing has lost the luxury of her own space.
This being said leashed walks now are a must.
Not that she played and ran around in the grass.
But the ownership of it she felt of it is gone.

Leash in had I call to what seems to be deaf ears.
Hand signals have become a much used tool.
I have to wave the leash in front of her so she understands.
She then perks up ready for what is out there.

As we start our walk I need to case the street first.
Looking all around in hopes of not seeing anything.
Seems like her revenge to no said yard is to BARK.
BARK at every thing from the wind to a fallen branch.

I can almost hear  her thinking get out of my yard.
Other dogs look at her perplexed look at Miss high and mighty.
We'll I never some seem to to say as they walk away.
Still she holds her ground growling as I reassure her.

Advoding any living or strange objects is part of the game.
Taking mini shortcuts even walking behind bushes helps.
We never seem to walk in a straight line.
But her favorite spots are all  visited nonetheless.

Once there was a toddler with her Grand father walking.
I spied them and tried to distract her from seeing them.
She saw them and started barking at them I was mortafied.
The baby just laughed at her barks and Cia just melted.

Cia seeing her loud bark had no  affect  looked at the child.
Puzzled she barked at a lower octave as the laughter continued.
I was speechless at the scene a child had tamed her.
The dog herself seemed enchanted by this small person.

Try as I might I have given up trying to calm her.
Now I just shout out to people She's old she means no harm.
They just smile or nod and quickly go on their way .
BARK if you must just hurry up and go already.

There Is an art to walking this dog.
The thing is her and I have found a balance of sorts.
I am her wing person she is the hunter in this.
BARK if you must old girl let's just walk a little more.