What now

Can't stop saying Wow he does exist you know who.
The much searched for man of one's dreams.
The ones who's face had you at first glance.
The one who we all wish for on that star.

The Guy who's rich voice sends you there all by itself.
The Guy who is so honorable and loving it makes one swoon.
The guy who sends you at least poem every day.
The one I trust with my life.

He listens to every crazy thing I say.
I can feel him laughing at my emails.
Spell check has become my enemy.
So many misspelled sentiments.

I am taken at his pure compassion and love.
His stregenth the things he thank god is living with.
The tender person who's own secrets are yet to be told.
The person I can't bare to lose ever again.

His voice has lulled me into stories of his life.
My ears eager to hear it all memories I missed.
He almost died my heart fell he almost died.
For the rest of my life I will thank the universe he didnt.

This has made me able to see hope somewhere.
That the past is telling me let go.
That  yes that pain can leave my home.
So wash away struggles the water is clear

I wrote down some of what troubles me .
Rolled it in a ball and threw it in the pond at work.
I cried out be gone, be gone, be gone as it sank it the murky water
And then I sat down and wondered what now.

Written words

Written words ideas inspiration a purging of the mind.
A surrender to the hidden enlightened force inside.
A yeld to free the pulses in my mind.

Through fingers flowing ideas unknown.
Bursting to life to be read.
Gasping for air like a newborn.

A voice obsolved of any regrets.
Tell what you must, paint  what you cannot.
Let the colors for  this masterpiece be my words.

Let the hues be like sun set ever changing with no rules.
Be saved on paper imortalized for the  eye.
To be drawn  thoughts expressed.

This painting bleeds my words.
And warms the my heart with hope.
Written words will save me once again.

Lies

I married   for a dream I had for so long
A man who loved so deeply it was un measurable.
But what he truly loved was himself.
I hadn't been totally blind to this but the ring was put on my finger it was done.

I tried to bulid on that dream in the songs I loved so well.
Songs of never ending love and hope for a family so perfect.
I learned that they were only wishes in the wind.
That float away to the sky never to be seen again.

We came from different world's it was hard.
It will be OK I thought  I must ty harder it's  my fault.
Then came the battles the dishes flung across the room.
The slap across the face the hair pulled the bruises hidden.

Look at me I am your king he didn't say those words but they were implied.
His word was the rule his anger his knife so sharp were its edges.
He would turn to me at night with empty selfish sex I mistook for love.
This was his wepon it  was his right I was his wife he owned me.

Two more children came into ths nightmare little souls that made it  bareable.
Little smiles to warm my frozen fear little hearts that didn't deserve all this.
I could run where would we go how can we survive without him.
What I didn't know was we wernt survivingvig at all.

I left with them only to be fooled into thinking we were safe.
But the heart can be fooled into thinking things can change.
That he was suffering without his family so back we went
Mistakes from all sides I owned mine that was my biggest one.

He played my songs so well I was pulled under the spell once again.
This isn't empty I told my self when the feeling overtook me.
I tried to  endure   but his selfish demands were sucking faith out of me.
He was like a hungry dog barring it's teeth to keep his bone from being stolen.

He was happy he was sad he was depressd.
He needed to be the god  worship me I am the king.
And when I needed to speak he muzzled me like a dog.
Its always about you he said dont speak yeld to me.

I grew stronger I stopped relying on him.
I started to want my own I made my own demands.
He saw this and it frightened  him his power was dying.
He played his game I need my own space he said out of the blue.

Don't worry I will come back and forth  it won't change anything.
Just go away I prayed is this my Amen being answerd.
So boxes packed once again angry voices angry bruises once again.
But the end was near I was to be saved.

One more night he turned to me and I  gave in.
Thinking it was to be a tender goodbye again I was wrong.
I was abused in a way that I can only say  was rape.
I was so ashamed at  this I  reeled at its aftermath.

Had he won finally with this disgusting act upon me.
I could never have believed it could happen to me once again.
I had Been raped before no one ever knew I never told .
But that was what I felt that night my soul forever tainted.

Move made months of being an empty shell.
So dry was my soul no tears would fall from my eyes.
But I was free now and I was safe in my own hell.
Those dreams all packed away in a box labeled Lies.

l

Much too long

Every thing is not about me.
There are unknown people who also love him.
This is not who I am but how can I not do this.
I've never under stood how any woman could dare do this.

I am in love with anothers husband oh shit.
I feel like I have a right to him I saw him 1st.
But that's not fair and I know it it's childish.
I know she does exist he told me.

Nameless  wife forgive me I know what I am doing.
I'm being selfish and fencing with my souls mate.
I know so much better than this but alas I yearn for him.
Does living through litiral hell not once but twice excuse this?

Since I was too young to know why I have wanted him.
I haven't physically seen him in the flesh in so long.
Yet my body is slowly craving him more and more how?
There are no answers in this storm that is sitting on our heads.

Does he even understand how much his words touch and scare me.
Does he even understand how frightening this is.
That ths is more bitter than sweet and I can't be hurt by him.
And that I wouldn't change a thing not one thing.

I just hope the Universe is right on this.
That we cannot stop this.
Hearts are broken and need to be healed.
Time has denied  this for much too long.

Souls face

I looked into my souls face yesterday.
It was covered in years of wisdom  and grace.
Looking for signs of who I knew so long ago.
I was surprised that it didn't matter after all.

The face I saw is full of compassion.
Full of years of a life lived fully focused.
On things I  may never know.
Yet I knew him yet I felt him.

A time long ago came back to me.
Just him and I face to face sharing caresses.
Sweet kisses and finally a blissful release.
I can't recall it all but my soul does.

So remains the hunger I felt that day.
I can only conjure the feeling in my brain.
My soul recalls the desire in my heart.
Burried for so long it hurts to remember it.

Looking at that face time had signed.
Signed with love and so much wisdom..
I thought what a beautiful face I can see his soul.
The one I  have been lost in since I set eyes on it so long ago.

So I said it was my souls face I looked upon.
In awe of the years in it I saw.
The life of I yearn to learn about one day
The face I long to hold again.

40 year's

Pain is what I have been feeling the past few days a sweet sweet pain.
40 Fucking  years gone God Dam It and I say this with great anger.
I also say it with disbelief in what has transpired in only a few days.

A miriacle once again and Baby I have seen a few of them.
I still doubt this I've been wrong before  very very wrong .
But this feels all too real this has knocked me on my ass.

40 years gone but maybe with a purpose.
Maybe it wasn't our time maybe we both had to grow up.
Now we are or are we and I feel so blessed.

Am I being selfish am I really worthy of what I feel.
Is it really our time if not then when?
I think I understand the story he told me about fears.
It's moral is don't worry about what you cannot predict.

I will stop with the worries and just breathe deeply.
Being struck by a ton of bricks that's what this feels like.
Wiplash is another way I can describe it.

I once fell and hit the back of  my head .
As I tried to get up the world spun around me.
It was like I was looking at things in a fog.
This sort of feels like that

I will forgive the Devine intervention That is keeping us apart still.
I accept the blessing that I found him again.
And I cheer at my sheer hootzva at mailing that letter.
But life can be fickle still.

We don't really know each other at all.
I can only truly speak for my self and that raw emotion I feel.
That ton of bricks has saved my soul.
It has taken my sadness and replaced it with hope.

He said to me yesterday something that made me belive.
He said if we had known then I'm sure we would still have been together now.
Words that shocked my heart but I knew that fact is true.

So 40 years of a festering heart that didn't know.
I own part of the blame on my youth.
It wasn't our time yet I may never really be our time.
But I know the love is here now.

Hello it's me

Yeah I saw you and felt you you came in a dream.

Did you  come to let me know your still there after all these years.

Do you regret what you did that took you from me?

They say love never dies I always knew that much is true.

In a way too sad for my heart  to comprehend  I still miss you.

You have missed so much of life's beauty and grace.

You have missed smiles ,struggles and so many days that they turned into years.

But I saw you there I felt you again.

Did you come to remind me love does indeed exist.

That it has no boundaries not even death or time.

Thank you my love for the reminder.

Thank you for letting me feel the joy again as bittersweet as it is.
 
Thank you for giving me hope that I am not wrong in my heart.

That someday just that some day it will again come for real.

Some dreams are so vivid you  can still feel the love that came to visit in them.