Love songs

Music has played a huge part of my life.
It has set my mind  to what if and if only for a long time.
This may or may not be a good thing .
But boy do I love me a good love song.

The stories of a discovery of love new and old.
The lament of the broken heartened souls.
Even the revenge songs of fake love given exposed.
But alas they never really fit who I was with.

You want to feel the songs you pick are about your mate.
You look to see a glimpse of that perfect song in your life.
All you ever really felt was the longing for the melody instead.
You want to sway to the rhythm  that is in lyrics that tell.
But I know they were all dreams in the sky.

The problem was  the guy wasn't the one.
The songs were perfect depicting how I felt.
So when a man understands you and respects you.
And you can give this back with no omissions at all.
When you have trust in each other beyond beyond.

That's where  your songs find their home in honesty.
Honesty from your heart as well as soul.

What I would give, what I have given.
What I have lost ,what I have found.
Its all in the words the lyrics and music.
That know more than I can tell.

Magic spells

My son texted my and told me he's going for his masters in teaching.
I have known this for a while now.
But he asked my blessings in this anyway.
He asked me to cast one of my good spells for him.
I was taken aback a little by this.

Now you may think I'm a wiccan of some sort.
I'm not but he sees  the utter dertermation I have in me.
He sees my pain , my joy and my unrelenting belief in hope.
He knows I have been too vulnerable too often. 
He calls me on it when I am veering from myself.

He is a man one stronger than even he knows.
He has had  more than his fair share of pain in his life.
But he persevered  and grows from his experiences.
He is a man of great passion and opinions.
Formed from a much too gentile heart.

I am so very proud of this man my son.
I can only see great things ahead him in life.
That is all any mother should wish for her child.
I can only wish him great love.
Not just love for another but love and passion for life.

So I cast my spell for his future I send out my enegry.
I send out luck , faith ,warmth and stregenth for him.
I know he really doesn't need this from me but
He asked this of me anyway.

For Justin you know but may never truly know
How much you are loved.

ER

I have spent more than my share of life in emergency rooms.
Since I was 21 they have played a huge part of my life.
I have learned that the chair by the bed isn't the place to sit.
Nurses and Dr's comming and going blood being drawn.

Blood sugars checked information given and taken in.
So familiar the questions asked and answers given.
Learned how to nap on a  hard chair while waiting.
Learned to carry a tea bag there always hot water somewhere.

A scraped knee never seemed to be the case in our visits.
Always fear that is eased by an I V bag.
At least blood sugars  won't bottom out I can breathe at this.
Scared girls who didn't deserve this.

Most of my life there has been insulin in the fridge.
Blood sugars checkeked almost around the clock.
Screams when they went too low.
The rush trying to get them up again.

The trip to the hospital holding on tightly.
The relief of help so quickly given.
Thank god for this place .
All too familiar all too much a part of our lives.

I have learned to be at ease here.
Things I don't want to hear hit me here.
But I can dance this dance with my eyes closed.
Its part of what's made us strong.

What now

Can't stop saying Wow he does exist you know who.
The much searched for man of one's dreams.
The ones who's face had you at first glance.
The one who we all wish for on that star.

The Guy who's rich voice sends you there all by itself.
The Guy who is so honorable and loving it makes one swoon.
The guy who sends you at least poem every day.
The one I trust with my life.

He listens to every crazy thing I say.
I can feel him laughing at my emails.
Spell check has become my enemy.
So many misspelled sentiments.

I am taken at his pure compassion and love.
His stregenth the things he thank god is living with.
The tender person who's own secrets are yet to be told.
The person I can't bare to lose ever again.

His voice has lulled me into stories of his life.
My ears eager to hear it all memories I missed.
He almost died my heart fell he almost died.
For the rest of my life I will thank the universe he didnt.

This has made me able to see hope somewhere.
That the past is telling me let go.
That  yes that pain can leave my home.
So wash away struggles the water is clear

I wrote down some of what troubles me .
Rolled it in a ball and threw it in the pond at work.
I cried out be gone, be gone, be gone as it sank it the murky water
And then I sat down and wondered what now.

Written words

Written words ideas inspiration a purging of the mind.
A surrender to the hidden enlightened force inside.
A yeld to free the pulses in my mind.

Through fingers flowing ideas unknown.
Bursting to life to be read.
Gasping for air like a newborn.

A voice obsolved of any regrets.
Tell what you must, paint  what you cannot.
Let the colors for  this masterpiece be my words.

Let the hues be like sun set ever changing with no rules.
Be saved on paper imortalized for the  eye.
To be drawn  thoughts expressed.

This painting bleeds my words.
And warms the my heart with hope.
Written words will save me once again.

Lies

I married   for a dream I had for so long
A man who loved so deeply it was un measurable.
But what he truly loved was himself.
I hadn't been totally blind to this but the ring was put on my finger it was done.

I tried to bulid on that dream in the songs I loved so well.
Songs of never ending love and hope for a family so perfect.
I learned that they were only wishes in the wind.
That float away to the sky never to be seen again.

We came from different world's it was hard.
It will be OK I thought  I must ty harder it's  my fault.
Then came the battles the dishes flung across the room.
The slap across the face the hair pulled the bruises hidden.

Look at me I am your king he didn't say those words but they were implied.
His word was the rule his anger his knife so sharp were its edges.
He would turn to me at night with empty selfish sex I mistook for love.
This was his wepon it  was his right I was his wife he owned me.

Two more children came into ths nightmare little souls that made it  bareable.
Little smiles to warm my frozen fear little hearts that didn't deserve all this.
I could run where would we go how can we survive without him.
What I didn't know was we wernt survivingvig at all.

I left with them only to be fooled into thinking we were safe.
But the heart can be fooled into thinking things can change.
That he was suffering without his family so back we went
Mistakes from all sides I owned mine that was my biggest one.

He played my songs so well I was pulled under the spell once again.
This isn't empty I told my self when the feeling overtook me.
I tried to  endure   but his selfish demands were sucking faith out of me.
He was like a hungry dog barring it's teeth to keep his bone from being stolen.

He was happy he was sad he was depressd.
He needed to be the god  worship me I am the king.
And when I needed to speak he muzzled me like a dog.
Its always about you he said dont speak yeld to me.

I grew stronger I stopped relying on him.
I started to want my own I made my own demands.
He saw this and it frightened  him his power was dying.
He played his game I need my own space he said out of the blue.

Don't worry I will come back and forth  it won't change anything.
Just go away I prayed is this my Amen being answerd.
So boxes packed once again angry voices angry bruises once again.
But the end was near I was to be saved.

One more night he turned to me and I  gave in.
Thinking it was to be a tender goodbye again I was wrong.
I was abused in a way that I can only say  was rape.
I was so ashamed at  this I  reeled at its aftermath.

Had he won finally with this disgusting act upon me.
I could never have believed it could happen to me once again.
I had Been raped before no one ever knew I never told .
But that was what I felt that night my soul forever tainted.

Move made months of being an empty shell.
So dry was my soul no tears would fall from my eyes.
But I was free now and I was safe in my own hell.
Those dreams all packed away in a box labeled Lies.

l

Much too long

Every thing is not about me.
There are unknown people who also love him.
This is not who I am but how can I not do this.
I've never under stood how any woman could dare do this.

I am in love with anothers husband oh shit.
I feel like I have a right to him I saw him 1st.
But that's not fair and I know it it's childish.
I know she does exist he told me.

Nameless  wife forgive me I know what I am doing.
I'm being selfish and fencing with my souls mate.
I know so much better than this but alas I yearn for him.
Does living through litiral hell not once but twice excuse this?

Since I was too young to know why I have wanted him.
I haven't physically seen him in the flesh in so long.
Yet my body is slowly craving him more and more how?
There are no answers in this storm that is sitting on our heads.

Does he even understand how much his words touch and scare me.
Does he even understand how frightening this is.
That ths is more bitter than sweet and I can't be hurt by him.
And that I wouldn't change a thing not one thing.

I just hope the Universe is right on this.
That we cannot stop this.
Hearts are broken and need to be healed.
Time has denied  this for much too long.