Fear

Losing control is not an option for me right now.
I'm on a journey no one understands not even me.
Pent up frustration am I making it all up in my head.
Can I get out of it enough to breathe.

I hear this is not a cake walk to go through.
I feel every thing so vividly I analyze it all.
Stop head you are making me insane.
Again I have to remember to breathe.

Desire turned into reality.
Dreams are real or are they just nightmares.
Nightmares in disguise to play with my mind.
Just breathe I remind myself again.

Today I will once again try to control it.
How can one handle a wild fire with just a drop of water.
How  can one use all their energy to stay grounded.
Breathe deeply again and again.

Whatever the road leads to is worth it all.
The ludicrous thoughts the second guesses.
The adventure is thrilling the landing will come
Just keep those breaths deep and trust just trust.

Glennon Doyle Melton once said
If you can't beat fear, just do it scared.
OK I am doing it scared.
My fear won't win ever again.

Weary

So so much to feel I am over done.
Overdone in  the sense that I am growing a bit weary.
Not that I haven't welcomed feeling again.
But all at once the floodgates have been opened wide.

One should never complain for its  feelings that make us human.
Being someone who I ganrentee has felt them all.
From delight to dispair , from joy to pure grief , from confusion to wonder.
But I never imagined I would feel so lost again.

I'm lost but found in the same breath at one time.
Re discovering, reliving , renewing , relishing it all.
Feeling past pain letting it go feeling, old joys keeping them close.
Living the undeniable wonder that is in front of me.

I may be over done but I am also renewed  with strength.
Strength I alway knew was in me a strength in my faith of good and God.
The universe knows what it has done.
So I carry this all in me and keep my feet on the ground.

So let me be weary I will find my rest.
Let it be known this is as it should be.
For this weary heart finds the heavens a blessing.
For this weary heart has been asleep for too long.

My Maria

Since the day I was born I've had an angel right beside me.
She shared all my years of laughter and tears.
She is my sister she is not just this but so much more.
She is my rock, my partner in crime, she is my person.

I wonder how many of us have a sibling who we revere.
One who we love, cherish , adore , admire.
One who's stregenth in character and support never wavers.
One who never gives up on you no matter what.

I can only recall  one time we were upset at each other.
I am embarrassed to say it was anothers opinion that caused this.
The episode left a hole in our closeness for a while.
But our bond won over and forgiveness came with no queqstions.

She has been with me through good , bad,hard,  easy,up , down.
She has yelled at me in her soft strong way.
Her eyes showing her disapproval and her heart understanding.
Come on Our mother didn't rase weak women you got this.

I feel like there is nothing I can give in return.
My children and grand children in turn are blessed by her.
Titi Maria is an name spoken in our home often.
Her ear always a phone call away ,weekend visits like clockwork.

I would give her the world but I can't.
I can only give her my undying admiration.
I can only give her my Neverending friendship and love.
God has created a bond that has no strings holding us.

She is My Maria

Sparks

I want lots of sparks in my life.
Not the kind of sparks you may think though.
The sparks I'm talking about are  different.

Give me a banter that feels like a race with no winner needed.
Debate with me let's see what we can learn.
Come on dare me to just do it I'll take it on.
No obstacles throw it all at me I can take it.

Let's spar together and be a force to reckoned with.
Let me get you thinking deeply  trying to figure it out.
Challenge that statement I made in anger.
Take my words and come back at me with you own.

Let's Challenge each other in unwinable debates.
Opinions to be shared and understood.
Differences looked at with open minds.
No I disagree no look at it this way try.

Laugh at my words so unpredictable WTF.
I hear what you are saying  but...
Nothing off the table
No taboos no walls no need for lies

Sparks come flying at me and back to you.
A flame in the woods throws off sparks too.
Light a fire and just wait.

Love songs

Music has played a huge part of my life.
It has set my mind  to what if and if only for a long time.
This may or may not be a good thing .
But boy do I love me a good love song.

The stories of a discovery of love new and old.
The lament of the broken heartened souls.
Even the revenge songs of fake love given exposed.
But alas they never really fit who I was with.

You want to feel the songs you pick are about your mate.
You look to see a glimpse of that perfect song in your life.
All you ever really felt was the longing for the melody instead.
You want to sway to the rhythm  that is in lyrics that tell.
But I know they were all dreams in the sky.

The problem was  the guy wasn't the one.
The songs were perfect depicting how I felt.
So when a man understands you and respects you.
And you can give this back with no omissions at all.
When you have trust in each other beyond beyond.

That's where  your songs find their home in honesty.
Honesty from your heart as well as soul.

What I would give, what I have given.
What I have lost ,what I have found.
Its all in the words the lyrics and music.
That know more than I can tell.

Magic spells

My son texted my and told me he's going for his masters in teaching.
I have known this for a while now.
But he asked my blessings in this anyway.
He asked me to cast one of my good spells for him.
I was taken aback a little by this.

Now you may think I'm a wiccan of some sort.
I'm not but he sees  the utter dertermation I have in me.
He sees my pain , my joy and my unrelenting belief in hope.
He knows I have been too vulnerable too often. 
He calls me on it when I am veering from myself.

He is a man one stronger than even he knows.
He has had  more than his fair share of pain in his life.
But he persevered  and grows from his experiences.
He is a man of great passion and opinions.
Formed from a much too gentile heart.

I am so very proud of this man my son.
I can only see great things ahead him in life.
That is all any mother should wish for her child.
I can only wish him great love.
Not just love for another but love and passion for life.

So I cast my spell for his future I send out my enegry.
I send out luck , faith ,warmth and stregenth for him.
I know he really doesn't need this from me but
He asked this of me anyway.

For Justin you know but may never truly know
How much you are loved.

ER

I have spent more than my share of life in emergency rooms.
Since I was 21 they have played a huge part of my life.
I have learned that the chair by the bed isn't the place to sit.
Nurses and Dr's comming and going blood being drawn.

Blood sugars checked information given and taken in.
So familiar the questions asked and answers given.
Learned how to nap on a  hard chair while waiting.
Learned to carry a tea bag there always hot water somewhere.

A scraped knee never seemed to be the case in our visits.
Always fear that is eased by an I V bag.
At least blood sugars  won't bottom out I can breathe at this.
Scared girls who didn't deserve this.

Most of my life there has been insulin in the fridge.
Blood sugars checkeked almost around the clock.
Screams when they went too low.
The rush trying to get them up again.

The trip to the hospital holding on tightly.
The relief of help so quickly given.
Thank god for this place .
All too familiar all too much a part of our lives.

I have learned to be at ease here.
Things I don't want to hear hit me here.
But I can dance this dance with my eyes closed.
Its part of what's made us strong.