Reunion 08/14/2018

I was just getting ready for bed thinking should I text him.
Trying not to be too clingy to obsessed as I had been feeling.
I knew we were ok so if no goodnight didn't matter much.
This relationship with no name this love affair was still alive.
After a weekend of self doubt and  wrecked nerves.
I felt quite calm about things between us it was ok.

Texting sweet good night has become a ritual.
Tonight I thought if he does I will too.
When I heard my phone beep I thought good it's him.
Checked my text no ,an email open the said email.
Was confused a picure of the sign outside my townhouse.
I looked at it confused WTF and then my heart started racing.

Couldn't find my phone fast enough couldn't find his icon.
With fingers that had lost their feeling I taped it.
Ring ring ring he answered Hello his usual greeting,.
I almost couldn't speak WHERE ARE YOU I  asked in disbelif.
I'M parked outside he said...
I said dont move and scrambled into my clothes.

Couldn't find two matching shoes had my shirt on inside out.
Finally all dressed I scrambled down through my son's room.
My son looked at me in disbelif  J is here was all I said.
I manged to get outside and couldn't spot him so I called him.
He answered again I could hear the smile in his voice.
I finally spotted him walking towards me I was dazed.

As he got closer I could make out the outline his face.
A face I hadn't seen in 40 years eyes I hadn't gazed at.
Face to face finally we embraced a hug so tender yet hard.
Pulling away after what seemed like hours we looked at each other.
Smiles so big on our faces they lit up the night sky  like  fireworks .
Another endless hug kisses  wherever they landed bliss.

I took his hand and said this house is a mess so sorry.
He replied I didn't come to see your house you know.
Introduced him to my son and dragged him up to my room.
Stood face to face and looked deeply into his eyes I saw home.
His wonderful smile his  sweet sweet lips on mine OMG.
We stood there kissing like teenagers for what seemed like forever.

This was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me.
Finally sitting on the sofa we looked at each other in awe.
I couldnt let him go so I pulled in for yet another hug.
I kissed his forhead and rested mine on it for the contact alone.
I can't really recall what was said I only knew YES in my head YES
Our lips finding each others again this time not rushing.

The reunion 40 years in the making finally fulfilled.
I was right love love love I can breathe now I told him.
His smile so big it made me love him all the more.
Not too much time we spoke of nothing,everything .
This miriacle started by a glance and revived by a letter.
This miriacle I can finally believe is real.

I asked him what he did with the letter but I already knew.
I told him I have the original it's your I'll keep it for you.
He smiled at that and kissed me again.

Carnal Knowledge

Sex is a subject that isn't spoken about everyday.
None of the women I have know have ever talked about it.
I myself don't talk about it even though it's may be on my mind.
Why is not a mystery to me Sex is personal a secret.
Such a taboo subject in polite society still in 2018 amazing.

Yes but everyone I hope does it at some point in their lives.
Hopefully with great tenderness and love.
Hopefully at some point with great passion.
A decadent, wanton, carnal fact of humanity.
One we all crave to be mind blowing in secret.

I have had more than my share of lovers in my life.
One who even used me as his skirt while living a Gay life.
Not a great thing for a young girl to live with I will say.
That was one for the books of WTF happened here.
But it did happen and I learned from it.

My most tender sensual memory came from that time.
Too young to understand that  it would soothe me for life.
How is still a wonder to me the why has been answered.
A gaze between eyes  across a room started it all.
Looking at one another and thinking OMG.

This is why we exist my whole body seemed to say.
Two people who fate was to play a hand in for many years.
The most real if not tender time that to this day I still relish.
The ghost of the act  floating in my heart for decades.
A welcome haunting in the  times that came to be my life.

My secret not to tell even to my closest  confidant.
Why cause we were both taken already yet...
It wasn't wild it was romantic  farytale like tender to the bone.
Feel it in your heart forever feel it in your being feel it in you soul.
Branded in me for all time it still lingers in my mind it's sweet tase.

I can only wish such a feeling to everyone at some point in life.
We tend to forget so many events after they happen no after thought.
We make little of our sensual selves once it is over.
We may think and feel it's pleasure for a few hours afterwards.
Lucky to be able to have  enjoyed  such a blissful thing.

Sex is so much more than the expression of lust.
Yes it is not to be spoken of its private between two.
Something to be held in our relationships in quiet joy.
Shared embraces of souls dancing to their own song.
Details not to be spoken kept in silent smiles.

Comfort

Today was a horrible day for me I let things get to me.
There are emotions I need to let out, need to be aired.
Stuck on just shut up for so long.
Feeling I really didn't matter at all.
Running scared from what brings my joy.

I let it all get me on defensive mode for no real reason.
Yes I don't know anything but I also know so much.
Contradictions that drive me insane.
Seeking comformation again and again. 
Stumbling while standing still.

And then come something new.
Comfort calling the person and being heard.
My crazy self not shot down but reassured.
My worth respected and cherished.
My heart unbroken with a heartfelt kinship.

Saying everything as it is and knowing your heard.
Things like this are a gift that is given both ways.
Feed my hunger with wise words and understanding.
Tell me I matter to you and know it's what I feel back.
Undefined is what this is no title fits this dance.

Home in that fore mentioned voice so mellow.
Soothing my frantic undone self I'd let me become.
Voicing the grateful embrace of our mutual respect.
No problem what we're you thinking again.
Its ok it's ok we are fine we are fine.

It has a name now my Comfort.
Its called you Babe.

Puerto Rican

I've always said my parents are Puerto Rican
I have stated I was born in the Bronx not the island.
I have never been there so it's hard to say I'm from there.
Newyorican is a phase I have often used to describe myself.
But this feels like I turned my back on my heritage.

I was just on pintrest looking up spanish quotes.
I found so many PuertoRican ones it felt like home.
I had forgotten how rich this culture is such a strong people.
From the food to the sayings to all the  customs so  me.
Spanish phrases that are so familiar that they sang to me.

Yes my children speak little to no spanish shame on me.
My Grandaughter is the only one who's picked up some.
She was taken care of by a nonenglish speaking sitter.
With her love of languages I hope she still knows some.
I regret letting life put this part of me on the back burner.

Sassy women careful don't cross a PuertoRican lady.
Don't you dare get us angry or catch you at lies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned  was written about us.
I had forgotten my sassy side for too long.
But this side of me has emerged so watch out world I'm back.

I long for a great conversation with another Pana is that the word.
A talk about almost anything would do in Spanish no less.
Someone who grew up like I did and share  laugh with.
Someone who also understands our shared culture.
And understand what  El Cuco or Arroz Con gandules are.

I miss many things about this part of me.
I'm going to acknowledge this I am PuertoRican.
This is my  Culture this is my blood this is my heritage.
Next time I am asked I know what I will answer.
I Am Borinquena I'M PuertoRican and I will say this with great pride.

learning to Live

There's something to say about a shock  to the system.
You think at my age you've seen them all
Seeing life through new eyes seeing blessings all around.
Feeling love that doesn't have to be defined.
Its love it's knowing that you are loved with no agenda.
Its putting a thought in someone's head that the love is enough.

Learning to live wearing rose colored glasses.
Yes it's ok one can do this and be as crazy as one feels .
This is living this is what we all crave this is what matters.
Giving of yourself and receiving so so much more.
Knowing that there is no end no beginning just be that's all
Not asking but receiving joy and hopefully giving it back.

Seeing that what you feel about life is not crazy.
That what is important to you is right that it does matter.
That there are like minded people out there
That my heart knew there was someone out there.
Someone I needed to help me see it all.
And I pray he knows the difference he has made.

Thoughts

Why do I have to make my life so complacated.
I am really trying to get a grip on all this LIFE.
Yes I am happy Yes I am happier  and Yes I love.
And yes it's all so  mixed up in my mind.
Thinking is hard.

Knowing, sensing or intuitive I forget the word you use.
Is a big big part of me more than I suspected.
Had an idea but the suprise is how strong it is.
You made me look at this deeper than I ever have.
Thank You

I have to label things in my life this is not good.
I have to wish things into existence.
I have to conjure my hopes in my head.
Plant a seed and hope my black thumb doesn't kill it.
But I am strong

Opening ones eyes into ones self is not easy.
Its a process of learning to love who we are.
Flaws don't exist they are our scars our badges .
Thoughts not wanted  get lost in our brains.
Seeking an unwanted  audience with us.
Facts to be faced.

This is just too surreal so much comming at us.
The universe seems to be watching us.
Can we figure this out is there an answer.
If not does the question really matter.
Is the gift the love or the pain of understanding.
No the gift is the journey no matter how long it's been.
The capacity to say I care ,I love ,I don't understand.
The right to have feelings not totality identified.
The right to yearn to look into eyes for a glance of a soul.
Hoping to glimpse at words never expressed.
Laying out all the regret and letting it go.
Enjoy the Devine game that was started long ago.
Smile at the  moves that were made by the gods .
King ,queen pawn or bishop which peace are we.
Are we who we want to be is the role we play who we are.
Is there still more we must sacrifice.
Can our worlds find a common ground.
None of it to be resolved only to be reamiganed.
Knowing that this is playing out with no clarity.
Just move on day just move on night.
Sweet dreams sweet words sweet life.

Walking Cia

Walking my dog has been a learning experience.
Doing this is not an easy endeavor as would seem.
OK time to go out is a battle when it comes her.
A kind animal by nature she wouldn't hurt a fly.

Cia has been the sweetest of dogs all her life.
At 14 she has had to move with us at least 3 times.
Takes her a day or two to find her place her comfort zone.
But a place with no yard of her own confuses her.

The poor thing has lost the luxury of her own space.
This being said leashed walks now are a must.
Not that she played and ran around in the grass.
But the ownership of it she felt of it is gone.

Leash in had I call to what seems to be deaf ears.
Hand signals have become a much used tool.
I have to wave the leash in front of her so she understands.
She then perks up ready for what is out there.

As we start our walk I need to case the street first.
Looking all around in hopes of not seeing anything.
Seems like her revenge to no said yard is to BARK.
BARK at every thing from the wind to a fallen branch.

I can almost hear  her thinking get out of my yard.
Other dogs look at her perplexed look at Miss high and mighty.
We'll I never some seem to to say as they walk away.
Still she holds her ground growling as I reassure her.

Advoding any living or strange objects is part of the game.
Taking mini shortcuts even walking behind bushes helps.
We never seem to walk in a straight line.
But her favorite spots are all  visited nonetheless.

Once there was a toddler with her Grand father walking.
I spied them and tried to distract her from seeing them.
She saw them and started barking at them I was mortafied.
The baby just laughed at her barks and Cia just melted.

Cia seeing her loud bark had no  affect  looked at the child.
Puzzled she barked at a lower octave as the laughter continued.
I was speechless at the scene a child had tamed her.
The dog herself seemed enchanted by this small person.

Try as I might I have given up trying to calm her.
Now I just shout out to people She's old she means no harm.
They just smile or nod and quickly go on their way .
BARK if you must just hurry up and go already.

There Is an art to walking this dog.
The thing is her and I have found a balance of sorts.
I am her wing person she is the hunter in this.
BARK if you must old girl let's just walk a little more.